“The Muppet Show is always on at my house. When the kids get up in the morning, it’s on. When the kids go to sleep, it’s on. When my wife left me for my best friend — boy was it blasting that day. Same thing when she took the kids from me. Actually, you wouldn’t believe how many similar stories I’ve heard here at Muppet-Con.”

-Kal, Times Square, 1986

“I actually don’t mind rush hour. There’s so much going on in the world these days, and it just gives me a chance to catch up on the news. Plus I really get a kick out of Garfield. Love seeing what he gets up to everyday.”

-Andrew, Q Train, 1982

“This used to be a great place to score.”

-Jordy, East Village, 1988

“I decided to get a job because fighting crime wasn’t exactly paying the bills. And I figured, I could make a living wage in the corporate world, and just follow my crime fighting passion in my spare time. But I’m so completely exhausted after working forty hours a week, and all I want to do is sit on the couch, eat pizza, and watch some mindless TV. I don’t have the energy to see my friends, to stay fit, or to really do much of anything anymore. So yeah, I don’t have to worry about when my next paycheck is coming — but at what expense?”

-Raph, Financial District, 1989

“Since the accident, I’ve been doing rehab and physio five days a week. I’m getting there — slowly but surely.”

-Norman, Midtown, 1984

“Boy, if I had a dollar for every nickel I’ve spent on combs and hair wax… well, you catch my drift.”

-Carlos, Lower East Side, 1980

“I’m the last genuine head and skull dealer on the strip. And that’s because clients trust me. We do dry goods, wet goods — some skins. And every piece comes with a certificate of authenticity. Those other guys, you don’t know where their stuff comes from. Mine are all hand-picked and hand-severed. That type of craftsmanship doesn’t exist anywhere else.”

-Simmy, East Village, 1981

“Everyone stares at us. They pretend that they’re not staring, but we can tell. We can see it. We can see everything — obviously.”

-Adam & Carla, Times Square, 1983

“I came to this country with ten cents in my pocket, and a dream. A dream to eat noodles, but also to never have pockets — because I hate wearing pants. As my dear mother used to tell me… ’Lenny’, she would say, ‘Bubbeleh, remember this; Everybody needs to eat, but not everybody needs to wear clothes.’ Those were her dying words.”

-Len, Noodie’s Noodles, East Village, 1983

“Work from home used to be pretty stressful — until I realized that nobody is actually paying any attention, none of this really matters, and nothing has any real effect on anything whatsoever. Mind you, I do miss the free office snacks.”

-Delores, East Village, 1988

“OK — I can take another five percent off that sale price for you.”

-Albert, Times Square, 1985

“The headaches just kept getting worse and worse, and of course our insurance is next to nothing, so we just had to take matters into our own hands. F*cking migraines, man.”

-Rob and co., Times Square, 1985

“There’s a reason the Rubik’s Cube has remained popular for all these years. Although, I don’t quite remember that reason right now… things have been feeling a little scrambled lately.”

-Ernest and co., Times Square, 1988

“This is my third Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Convention. To me, the Ninja Turtles are more than just ninjas who happen to be mutated teenage turtles — They’re a symbol of eternal hope and optimism, and Turtle-Con brings us all together in the idea that anybody can be a hero, as long as you also know how to use violence and weapons. It’s pretty cool.”

-Dwayne and co., Times Square, 1989

“Only needed a few modifications, but this puppy is road ready. Killer sound system too.”

-Baun, Times Square, 1989

“I guess I have to start taking naps under my desk again.”

-George, Midtown, 1983

“I finally decided to go though that old box of cables and I think I might’ve actually just made things worse.”

-Felix, Times Square, 1981

“HR sends me home with a stern warning every time I come into the office like this. Or maybe it’s because I swing from the rafters and hurl myself through the stained glass windows. Either way, there’s none of that bureaucratic BS here at Hero-Con.”

-Bruce, Times Square, 1988

“We actually only just met about three weeks ago at the office. I’m in Shipping and he’s a VP. I had no idea he was part of the community, but once we realized we were both Wolfies, we became pretty close buds. Our wives are even here somewhere.”

-Roger and Shlomo, Times Square, 1988

“There’s really nothing for me out there. Plus this thing doesn’t even have wheels.”

Donna, Lower East Side, 1984

“This is just a side gig. But it’s an honest job, and I love being outside. I’m actually hoping to save up enough in a couple months to get me one of those manure bags.”

-Neil, Central Park, 1987

“My god, I need to come out for some air. These synthetic fibers truly wreak havoc on my breathing.”

-Diane, East Village, 1987

“Crap, I forgot my sunglasses at home.”

-Phillipe, East Village, 1983

“Rat Club used to meet down here every few weeks — but then we figured, why not just make it permanent? We got the place to ourselves, plus we can talk about rats as much as we want, without anyone nagging us to stop already. So that’s good. And the rent is pretty cheap.”

-Matt, NYC sewer, 1989

“America Fest is actually the biggest and baddest celebration of America on God’s green earth. No other nation out there celebrates America like we do. No wonder we’re the best country in the world.”

-Zed, Times Square, 1985